Scott Sanfilippo - eCommerce Pioneer - Co-Founder of Solid Cactus - Yahoo! Store Owner - Luzerne County - Palm Beach County

“Mugshots.” Or, “A Photographers Dream or Nightmare.”

One of the things I enjoy on the Palm Beach Post’s website is the “Booking Blotter” – mugshots of the latest scallywags booked into the Palm Beach County Jail. It’s here where drug dealers, prostitutes, trespassers and wife beaters have their photos published for the world to see. While the purpose is not for humor, you can’t help but get a chuckle when looking at some and wondering, “did he/she really leave the house looking like that this morning?”

While no such “Booking Blotter” exists online in Luzerne County, after seeing Wednesday’s Times Leader I think we could use one. An article ran about a Laceyville, PA woman who was looking to hire a hit-man. Unfortunately the prospective hit-man she was looking to hire was an undercover state trooper. Michelle Lee Parkhurst was charged with criminal solicitation to commit homicide and two counts of criminal conspiracy to solicit the commission of homicide. While being booked into the Wyoming County Correctional Facility, the prison’s staff took the obligatory mugshot which you see below:

Photos have the ability to capture nature at it’s most sensational moments or humans at their weakest points. I always carry a camera with me wherever I go, and not just the one built into my iPhone. I always manage to see something along the highway, up in the sky, or right next to me which deserves to be saved in digital form for viewing later on. I’m not a professional photographer by any nature, but collecting interesting images is a hobby of mine. Like one from today:

I couldn’t help but notice the door handles for an old McCrory’s Five and Dime proclaiming “Self Service.” I started thinking about how many people over the years pushed those doors open to gain entrance into a menagerie of housewares. It’s a history lesson in itself coupled with a trip down memory lane.

Images are powerful. They can summon tears, instill fear, inspire awe or simply illicit a chuckle. Photographers have the ability to call upon these emotions with every click of the shutter. Even if it’s a dimly lit photo of the neighborhood mugger.

FML: Marriage

FML. It’s one of those abbreviations like LOL, although this one is a little different. FML, or “f**k my life,” is not just a phrase but a popular website similar to Twitter. Participants post short accounts referred to as “life flop stories.” Examples taken from the website include:

Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn’t working. I told her with an e-mail. FML

Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, “Please don’t drink anymore, I really worry about your health” written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn’t ever find out, so I opened the fridge. But I found another note on a can that said “So you’re going to drink anyway?” FML

I lead a very interesting and unique life which often results in several FML moments a day. What better place to share them, then here on my blog for others to read and say, “how does he get into situations like this?”

FML: Marriage

I grab a seat at the bar of an Italian restaurant in Boca Raton. The bar was pretty full, so I ended up sitting next to another gentleman. I order a martini, and after a few moments he starts a conversation that went something like this:

HIM: You have very nice skin.

ME: Well thank you.

HIM: You don’t have one wrinkle!

ME: Well, people usually tell me I’m going to get skin cancer for always being sun burnt and lecture me on the importance of seeing a dermatologist, so this is quite refreshing.

HIM: You’re pretty young aren’t you?

ME: I don’t know how old you think I am, but if you’re buying the drinks, I can be as young as you want me to be.

HIM: Well, you look around 29 or 30 and your skin is beautiful. And that smile! Oh! I love your smile.

ME: Well, thanks, but you’re a little off. I’m 39. How old are you?

HIM: I’m 60. Does that make me too old for you?

It was then when my appetizer arrived and I was ready for another martini. At this point, I didn’t know if I was being “chatted up” or what, so I went along for the ride. We chatted throughout dinner about different things while the piano player was singing tunes from the Tony Bennett Songbook.

As my dish of spumoni arrived, the piano player said, “I want to send out this next song to Paul. Paul is getting married Friday night and is ready to embark on the happiest days of his life.” Jokingly, I turned and said, “Happiest days of his life? I feel sorry for the poor son-of-a-bitch, his life is over!” While the bartender laughed, this particular gentleman started crying.

HIM: I’m sorry, but I didn’t appreciate that comment.

ME: Well, I’m sorry, if I offended you, but I didn’t take you as the marrying type.

HIM: I just want you to know that my wife of 35 years passed away 11 days ago, and I never had an unhappy day.

It was at that exact moment when I asked for the check.

FML

“Luzerne County’s Financial Mess.” Or, “Oh Constance, Oh Constance, Please Bring Me My Seeds.”

Luzerne County Taxpayer Constance Hartman Wants Her Seeds and She Wants them NOW! Photo: DON CAREY/THE TIMES LEADER

The Luzerne County Commissioners got an unexpected question from a Hanover Township resident during a recent commissioner’s meeting. After being grilled for Commissioner Maryanne “I-Me-My” Petrilla’s decision to mail property tax bills out without the homestead exemption, several angry taxpayers made their opinions heard including Constance Hartman.

Connie used to run Hartman’s Restaurant, a popular eating spot amongst the locals, but not the politicians. Unlike Tony’s Diner in Kingston, Hartman’s wasn’t the place to walk in at lunchtime and see the counter full of elected officials patting each other on the back and accepting praise from their cronies. When Hartman’s was still serving up roast beef and mashed potatoes for $7.99, Connie would often poke fun at the politicians in her restaurant’s ads in the local papers. So it was like old times as Constance walked up to the podium and asked the three stooges the long anticipated question, “What department do I go to in order to get the seeds?”

Maryanne, Steve and Tommy were befuddled.

Seeds?

Connie, help us out…. what seeds are you looking for?

“The seeds for the money tree that you think we have to plant in our backyard because my money tree is empty.”

While the financial situation in Luzerne County is dire, residents are left scrambling looking for money to pay for taxes that are going up due to years of financial mismanagement. Taxpayers now have to worry about where they’re going to come up with the extra scratch without losing their homes.

Connie may not have to look very far, some guy named Conan is looking for her……

“Snowicane!” Or, “Fear-Monger’s Holiday.”

When I was just a wee little lad, I remember listening to the Harry West Show every morning on WARM-AM in Scranton, PA. Harry was a quirky little devil who got ratings despite his vaudevillian routine decades after vaudeville was declared dead.

A staple of Harry’s morning show was AccuWeather Meteorologist Elliot Abrams. Based in State College, PA, AccuWeather is still considered one of the formidable players in the art of weather forecasting even after the birth of the Weather Channel.

Elliot was a professional meteorologist and conducted himself on the air as such, albeit, he did inject humor into his casts but never used the weather as a means to inflict fear.

Boy have things changed!

I was in Scranton this week when a major winter storm hit the northeast dropping 22-inches of snow in my backyard and made travel a bit tricky. But it wasn’t the end of the world as some made you believe. Sure it was a big snow, but we’re in the northeast, we expect these type of weather events.

One of the terms used by none other than our friends at AccuWeather this time around was “snowicane.” Just what is a “snowicane” you may be asking? Well, apparently it’s a snow storm coupled with hurricane force winds. I tend to believe the definition centers more around sensationalistic journalism than anything else.

In a world where we sit in front of the television for hours to watch a California freeway chase, or log onto TMZ multiple times a day to see who Tiger Woods slept with last night, “snowicane” tends to fit right in.

What happened with delivering the news and weather straight up without the added dose drama? I’m a little sad to see that such a respected name like AccuWeather didn’t maintain their integrity by calling this weather event a “major winter storm” but dropped their pants like a mall parking lot flasher and shocked us with a term designed to instill fear.

Once AccuWeather started using the term, the rest of the mainstream media jumped on the bandwagon as well. The fear-mongers who sit around coming up with words that make us say “wow” are probably working on the term to call the next big storm this very moment.

While they’re working on that, here’s some pictures I took of the storm around my neighborhood.

A view of my snow covered deck.

Man, that's a lot of snow on that picnic table!

A snowy view of the front of my house.

The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation was kind enough to let us know that these are winter weather condition. In other words, a sign designed for morons.

A snow covered Interstate 81 on-ramp.

Finally, when it's all over and done with and your muscles are sore from shoveling... this billboard directs you to a nearby massage parlor - WITH tractor trailer parking. An added bonus for the weary trucker looking for a happy ending to a stressful day.

More storm photos can be found here and here.