"Great! I'll Be Glad to Assist You On This." Or, "Comcast + Live Chat + M-Stream Cable Card = FAIL!"

I love my TiVo.

I’ve had one since they first hit the market several years ago and have quickly become addicted to the point where I can’t watch TV unless that TiVo remote is in my hand and I can pause or rewind live TV.

A few weeks ago, the TiVo in my bedroom died, so I bit the bullet and purchased the latest and greatest TiVo, the TiVo Premier. Unlike the unit it replaced, the Premier only accepts a multi-stream cable card. A cable card is the little electronic device the cable companies used to decode your digital channels so you can use a device like a TiVo instead of a cable box. My previous box had two single-stream cards, so in order to get the Premier to work, a visit from Comcast was required.

Having had enough of only 13 viewable channels until I get around to ordering that multi-stream cable card, I finally fired up my web browser and started a live chat session with a Comcast rep to setup an appointment to have that card installed.

Let the excerpts from the chat below serve as a lesson to businesses on how to tick off a customer:

scott > I just got a tivo premier and need to replace the two single stream cable cards i have with one multi stream card.

Maria > Hello scott_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Maria. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Maria > How are you doing today? How can I give you 100% satisfaction?

scott_ > I just got a tivo premier and need to replace the two single stream cable cards i have with one multi stream card.

Maria > I see here that you want to replace you S-cable card to Multistream cable card, right?

scott_ > yrs

Maria > Let me connect you to our Sales team to process this for you, Scott.

scott_ > ok

Maria > Please wait, while the problem is escalated to another analyst

ConnieFe > Welcome to Sales Department! It is nice to have you on chat, how are you today?

scott_ > fine thanks

scott_ > I just got a tivo premier and need to replace the two single stream cable cards i have with one multi stream card.

ConnieFe > Great! I’ll be glad to assist you on this.

ConnieFe > Please allow me to pull up your account information so that I can properly assist you on this in the most efficient way possible.

scott_ > ok

ConnieFe > I am still pulling up your service address. One moment, please.

scott_ > ok

ConnieFe > Just to verify, you have an existing account on this service address, right?

scott_ > correct

ConnieFe > Thank you for confirming that.

ConnieFe > I have pulled up your account and I’m seeing here that you have our Standard cable and Performance Internet services.

scott_ > yes

ConnieFe > Thank you for verifying.

ConnieFe > I understand you want to order for a multi stream card to replace the two single stream cable cards. Is this correct?

scott_ > correct

ConnieFe > Alright, let me check on this for you.

All of a sudden, along comes a “canned” sales pitch for a completely unrelated service which ConnieFe thinks I need based on my request for a multi-stream cable card:

ConnieFe > Thank you. We are now offering a new low-cost Service Protection Plan that will provide you with worry-free protection for any potential in-home wiring problem with your cable TV, High Speed Internet or telephone service. With the protection plan, if anything goes wrong with the inside wiring, a professionally-trained technician will identify the problem and fix it quickly. This plan will provide you with an alternative to potential service call charges, which is about $30-$50. This low cost service protection plan is only $3.95 a month and is added to your monthly bill for your convenience. Would you like to have the Service Protection Plan added to your account today?

scott_ > no. i just want to make an appintment please

The service plan she’s trying to pitch is obviously the “Comcast Product of the Month” because a simple “no” didn’t stop Ms. ConnieFe from trying to get her spiff:

ConnieFe > I understand. Please allow me to share the coverage of our Service Protection Plan: 1. All internet cable wiring from the point of demarcation to the home; 2. All fittings for the cable internet service inside the home; 3. Trouble call charges due to customer diagnostics, education, or customer equipment and 4. Damages to internet cable or equipment inside the house due to normal wear.

scott_ > NO!

scott_ > please give me available times for an appointment

ConnieFe > That’s fine. I am still checking on our system for your request. I hope you don’t mind.

Then I finally realized that the 17 minutes I spent on live chat was wasted.

ConnieFe > Scott, let me inform you that the multi stream card is not available in all markets.

ConnieFe > However, let me further check on this for you just to make sure.

ConnieFe > Thank you for patiently waiting.

ConnieFe > I have double checked on our system and it seems that the multi stream cable card is not available here online. For this, I may need to suggest for you to visit our local office or call 1-800-2662278. Our phone counterparts can further assist you on this.

ConnieFe > I will be more than happy to provide you with our local office information.

scott_ > well this was a complete waste of my time.

ConnieFe > Analyst has closed chat and left the room

Unfortunately I still haven’t had the opportunity to make that phone call, so my new TiVo Premier sits lonely with its 13 channels of mindless dribble flowing through its coax looking for a multi-stream cable card to make its (and my) life complete.