In the 1972 episode of All in the Family called, “Edith’s Problem,” Jean Stapleton‘s character Edith Bunker was going through “the change” and her erratic behavior was grinding on her husband, the one and only Archie Bunker. In one scene, Archie wanted to take Edith on a trip to sunny Florida, when Edith yelled, “No, no, no! Not Florida! I want to go to Scranton.” Archie questions the crazy request and loudly proclaims, “…the only way you’re gettin’ me to go to Scranton is if some screwball hijacks the airplane!”

There were several references to Scranton throughout the run of All in the Family, as well as another of my favorites, Green Acres. Scranton has been a gem for writers going back to the days of vaudeville, where the venerable comedian Jack Benny would make a Scranton reference or two in his act and subsequently later on in his radio and television programs. Even today, Scranton is the laughing stock of sit-com land in the NBC show, The Office.

Having been born and raised in northeastern Pennsylvania, I can safely say the region doesn’t offer much in ways of amenities. You’re not going to click over to Expedia and book your next vacation to Scranton, unless you want to visit an old coal mine, some iron furnaces, a collection of old trains and have your picture taken next to the “Welcome to Scranton” sign when you enter the city to make your friends jealous when you get home.

If you plan on flying here, don’t expect anything non-stop unless you’re coming from Philadelphia, Newark, Charlotte or Chicago and want to spend an hour or so on a puddle jumper. The last time scheduled jet service on anything larger than a DC-9 touched down here was when US Airways was known as US Air and Eastern still had birds in the sky.

It came as no surprise, that Scranton has been ranked number 4 in the list of of 10 places “Not to Go in 2010” by Black Book Magazine. Obviously, this ranking isn’t going to make the 4pm, 5pm, 5:30pm, 6pm, 7pm, 7:30pm 10pm, and 11pm news on “the channel 16” tonight. (Yes, we have THAT many newscasts on one channel – and that’s just the evening casts.) I don’t think the Scranton Chamber of Commerce is going to highlight this achievement at their next board meeting and I doubt mayor Chris Doherty is going to tout it as a reason for him to be elected governor.

Scranton ranks up there with such other venerable locations such as Pakistan, Chernobyl, and Tiger Wood’s pants.

While we can’t do much to change how the rest of humanity views one of our fair NEPA cities, we should at least be happy we get some free publicity, even it it’s not the kind we want.

Ok, so I’m a couple days late bidding 2009 a fond farewell.

Well, it’s not a “fond” farewell. It’s more like good riddance, thank God it’s over and lets move on.

The year that just passed is one that contained moments I’d like to remember and moments I pray to forget. I sold one of my businesses which relieved me of a great deal of stress while at the same time dealing with the end of a 16-year relationship that forced me to start my life anew.

Always up for a challenge, I faced what was thrown at me head-on, recreating myself every step of the way. I took on a new role in the company I helped build over the last seven years, one with less responsibility so I can one again enjoy what I do.

I bought a new home and started a new life in south Florida where the weather is warmer, my mood is better and my productivity is, well… up. I kept my home in Scranton and rack up the frequent flyer miles traveling back and forth each week to spend a few days in the office and to enjoy the company of my two Chihuahua’s who haven’t made the move to Florida yet.

I refinanced my mortgage from some crazy rate in the high 7′s to something around 5. I was told that I was acting “responsible” by doing that, so it made me feel good, and it leaves me with more money at the end of the month to squander on vices such as…. well, let’s not go there.

I still didn’t get to the dentist for this toothache that has plagued me since after Thanksgiving. I’m still waiting for the dentist to respond to the “Contact Us” form I submitted on his website and the note I posted on his Facebook page. I have an iPhone and since every phone call I make or receive with AT&T gets disconnected, so I have to resort to other means of communication. So when my upper right molar falls out due to rot, I’ll blame Apple.

I enjoyed blogging about all the corruption in Luzerne County that was finally brought to light in 2009. It makes me happy to see people like Greg Skrepenak, Jeff Piazza and all these other small-time gangsters who think they’re Al Capone get caught with their fingers up their ass. I’m still waiting for one person in particular to get nabbed, who will remain nameless, but those close to me know exactly who he is.

I’m looking forward to 2010 to see how many more skanky women will say they got their hands on Tiger Wood’s club. I’m scared to see just how bad President Obama is going to wreck the health care system, which makes me want to get this tooth looked at even sooner. I’m not looking forward to the day when the terrorists finally do carry out another attack on the United States. We dodged a big bullet on Christmas Day because of multiple failures in the government, and being a man of very little faith, I don’t feel all that safe knowing a plane almost got blown up because warning signs were ignored for months.

It’s time to move forward.

Time to forget the mistakes of the past and concentrate on not making them again in the future.

So start working on that.

As for me, I’m still going to be the crazy, miserable, son-of-a-bitch you’ve come to know and love/hate. After all, everybody can’t buy into this “new year – new you” crap you know!

Me, behind the controls of a Boeing 737-900. Because I couldn't find the photo of me at the airport party that I was looking for.

That is when the new terminal opened at the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton International Airport and on Friday, May 19, 2006, I along with 899 others were invited to a gala evening of food, drink, music, a light-show and mingling with the area’s politically connected. That party, according to the Citizens Voice, is now being looked at by the FBI.

So in the interest of full-disclosure, I was there.

My picture was also taken with a group of people and made it into the newspaper, hence my quest to find it. Which I never did.

Anyone who knows me knows I despise politicians. In fact, last evening I went to dinner with by brother at Bistro on the Ave in Kingston. When we were walking in, a group of people were walking out and being the gentleman I am, I held the door open for them. One gentleman exiting happened to be political hack and former state representative Kevin Blaum. He never said “thank you” so I turned around and called him a schmuck then said to my brother and the hostess, “That was Kevin Blaum, I should have slammed the door instead of holding it open.”

I find politicians, no matter who they are, to be slimy. After being in close proximity to them I feel the need to take a shower. To me they’re nothing more than a glorified used-car salesman pushing an agenda instead of a Pinto. But that night there were plenty of them there. Commissioners from both counties, row officers, representatives from the Governor’s office, congressman, senators, even congressman Joe “I wasn’t masturbating in public, it’s my Parkinson’s” McDade who the new terminal is named after was there. The list was long, the photo opps were plenty and the booze was flowing along with the food.

I happened to be invited, not because I’m politically connected – heaven help us all, but because at that time I still owned Solid Cactus, and I offered to give the airport a new website because their old one was, well, old. So, we donated the design, programming and hosting of the site as a sign of good-will and as a means to help promote the area and the airport and to show off the new terminal online. So as someone who has worked with the airport, I received an invitation to the event and was excited to go and see what the new place looked like.

It wasn’t until today I realized the party cost $176,000.00. To quote Lackawanna County Commissioner A J Munchak, “Holy Shit!”

If knew that, I would have ate more, drank more and stayed a bit longer.

The feds are looking into the party as part of the ongoing corruption probe in Luzerne County. According to the article, the party was paid for mostly by the various contractors who worked on the new terminal and the airport picked up $23,000.00. What will come of the investigation is yet unknown, but the investigators have taken documents relating to the construction of the terminal and are reviewing them.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking the people you just paid nearly $50 million to, to write a check to throw a party in order to show off the work they did and to showcase the new facility to people who an encourage others to use it. It’s called marketing. If I open a new supermarket and I want to have a grand opening, you bet I’m going to put the squeeze on every “brand” that’s in my store to give me deals, some co-op money, etc to offset the cost of the party. It’s done every day and it’s commonplace. But in the airport’s instance, it was public money, and the spotlight is on them.

Thanksgiving. The day of the year that officially kicks off the holiday season where we’re all supposed to stop and give pause to everything we’re thankful for. It’s also the day where every business you’ve bought something from within the past 365 days sends you an email thanking you for being one of their valuable customers.

For me, Thanksgiving is nothing more than another annoying day of the year where I have to “spend time” with “the family” while everyone argues about who did what, why so and so can never be on time for dinner, why the potatoes are cold and who is to blame for voting Obama into office.

This year, I pledged not to host any holiday meals at my house. Not Thanksgiving, not Christmas Eve, not Christmas Day, not even New Years. This is a reversal from the past when I actually wanted to do this. Not any more. I’ve resigned myself to the belief that planning these things takes way too much effort for very little return.

As I’m writing this, I’m on a plane heading from Del Boca Vista to Pennsylvania where I’m scheduled to have dinner at my father’s house. I wanted to stay in Florida for the holiday, however my oldest brother has this warped view of “family” that just doesn’t hold its place in 2009. He envisions the perfect Donna Reed dinner where everyone smiles, says “please” and “thank you” when food is passed and we all enjoy the company of each other.

The reality is much different. What will end up happening is he will fight with my father about who is going to carve the turkey, chase my father out of the kitchen for lifting lids on pots checking to see if the beans are done, yell at my other brother and me for making off-color remarks and we’ll all leave full, but not wanting to see each other until next Thanksgiving.

So, I’m sitting in 2F preparing myself for the day that lies ahead and checking my bag to make sure I brought the Xanax to help me through the day.

But before I put the laptop away, I wanted to offer my own gesture of thanks for the things I’m most thankful for this holiday.

I’m thankful for duct tape. That magical, yet strong, adhestive tape that gets those of us who are not mechanically inclined out of so many troublesome situations. It also comes in handy on flights like today’s where kids are screaming. A little across the mouth and even the noisiest of flights can be quiet again.

I’m thankful for the lack of traffic heading to the airport this morning. Usually I-95 from Boca to Lauderdale is a mess this time of the morning with people heading to work, but on this Thanksgiving, I was one of about 50 vehicles on the road which made my 20 minute drive last 3 minutes less than normal.

I’m thankful for the federal government. No, no, no, not the guys in Washington, they’re all crooks. I’m talking about the Feds who are currently rooting out the criminal politicians in Luzerne County, PA. They nailed gangster judges Mark Ciavirella and Michael Conahan in the “kids for cash” scandal which will net these former upholders of the legal system prolapsed rectums after their stint in prison, as well as 17 other individuals who got too greedy. Jail time for a $1,500 tailor made suit? Only here folks. Only here.

I’m thankful for Farmville. I’m thankful I never even spent one second collecting sheep or whatever you do when you have way too much time on your hands or just want to steal time from the company while you browse Facebook at work.

I’m thankful for Twitter. Where else can I tell people what I’m doing in 120 characters or less. Mind numbing yes, but do people really care if I’m sitting at a bar next to a crossdresser named Louie (aka Louise) telling me about his/her/its upcoming gender reassignment surgery?

I’m thankful for Xanax, Lisinopril, Crestor, Lexapro, Cialis and Prilosec. Without my daily intake of these wonder-drugs I would be even more miserable than I already am. And who would want that?

I’m thankful for English as a Second Language. Without this program, the individual who rear-ended me on I-95 a few weeks ago would have never been able to tell the state trooper he was talking on his cell phone and not paying attention when he slammed into me in stopped traffic.

I’m thankful for airbags. As in the airbags that never deployed despite being hit by the above mentioned individual who was traveling about 45 mph at the time of impact. Special thanks to Ford Motor Company for that extra special treatement as well. Now I drive a BMW.

I’m thankful for Microsoft. Without them I would have never discovered the joys of the Mac. But I do miss the “blue screen of death” it always comforted me to know that Bill Gates hates me so much that he would make my computer crash just as I was finishing that report that took me 4 hours and never auto-saved.

I’m thankful for GoGoInflight. Without it my twice weekly, 2-hour flights to and from Florida would actually seem like 2-hour flights.

I’m thankful I have a Gulfstream V. I’m also thankful that AirTran charges me $12,431.00 less to get me back and forth to Florida.

I’m thankful that I’m dillusional at times. It makes life so much more interesting.

I’m thankful for purchasing ActiveFunShop.com. I never envisioned myself being a purveyor of sex toys, but it did inspire me to pick the title of my upcoming book which chronicles my life and business adventures. “From Ferret Clothes to Cock Rings.” Look for it at a book store near you in 2010.

I’m thankful for Rich Connor. He’s the owner/publisher/editor/janitor/go-to-guy at the WIlkes-Barre Times Leader. Only Rich could get sued by a competitor and settle out of court with his punishment being that he has to write a “letter of apology” to the other paper’s readers. Rich, I need your lawyers. Plus, you owe me a steak dinner at your house, like an elephant, I never forget.

On a serious note, this year has been one that I will never forget and one that I want to forget. It’s been a year of triumph and despair. I went from riding high following the sale of one of my businesses to a publically traded company to hitting rock bottom when my best friend and partner of 16 years left me.

When I thought that I wouldn’t be able to go on without him and things looked grim, I challenged myself to start over, to reinvent myself and begin a new life without looking back, without regret and with all eyes on the future. I would have never, ever, been able to accomplish this without the help, support and ears of so many friends and family members. I’m not going to mention them by name here, because I don’t want to inadvertenly leave anyone out, but you know who you are.

I’m thankful for Kleenex. Because I still cry. I cry a lot. But I smile too, knowing that life isn’t that bad. Knowing that life does indeed go on. And knowing that there are many, many things to be thankful for even if they’re going to be annoying the hell out of me at dinner in about five hours.

As most of my readers know, I fly frequently. Actually, I fly a lot! I find that my best ideas for blog post come from my time spent in the sky, and this is no exception.

I’ve been flying JetBlue a lot recently, and Tuesday night I was on a flight from Ft. Lauderdale, FL to Newburgh, NY. When I book my flights on JetBlue, I spend the extra $25 to get one of their “Even More Legroom (EML)” seats. These seats are found in the first few rows of the plane as well as the exit rows. If you ante up for one of these seats you get a few extra inches of legroom.

On this particular flight, after the cabin door was closed, a gentlemen (with an obnoxiously heavy New York accent) who was sitting in a non-EML seat, walked up and took a seat in the empty exit row across from me. The flight attendant saw his seat shuffle and proceeded to tell him that the seat he sat in is an EML seat and should he choose to sit there he would need to pay $25.

Well, this “gentlemen” turned nasty. He started carrying on about how many times he flies JetBlue, how he’s a good customer and how he should be allowed to sit there at no charge. Seeing this going on, I just had to chime in:

“Hey buddy, I had to pay twenty-five bucks to sit in this row, if you’re going to sit there, give me the $25 bucks I paid and I’ll keep my mouth shut, otherwise, move.”

He proceeded to tell me that he is a frequently flyer and he earned the “right” to sit there. Well, that set me off even further.

“How frequent do you fly? I take this route two times a week on JetBlue, I’m Chairman’s Preferred on US Airways, Platinum on Continental, Elite on AirTran… and I paid the $25 for my EML seat… shall I continue?”

He still didn’t give in and continued to harass the flight attendant who finally called for the gate agent to come on board. Needless to say, our “frequent flyer” was relegated back to his middle seat in a non-EML row because he wouldn’t pay the $25.

I thanked the flight attendant and ordered a beer.

Today, I was on the flight from Newburgh, NY to Ft. Lauderdale, FL and once again I purchased an EML seat. I found it odd that there was someone in the middle seat in my row since I checked the seat map when I checked in an hour before the flight and it was available.

Thinking that the seat was sold at the last minute I kept my mouth shut and talked to the guy in that seat for the duration of the flight. It just so happened that Mr. 11B blew his cover at the end of the flight. He was stupid enough to say, “You paid extra for this seat didn’t you? I was back in row 20, saw this available and took it, I sat here for free, how does that make you feel?”

Since we were only minutes away from landing, I let it go. Otherwise I would have called a flight attendant over to report him. Instead I headed to the ticket counter immediately after deplaning.

I explained the situation to the agent who in turn got the supervisor on duty. He agreed with my frustration and said, “we’re working on doing a better job at making sure this doesn’t happen.” He told me that “there’s nothing I can do as far as a full or partial credit for the EML charge, but you can call 1-800-JETBLUE and see if they will do anything for you.” He ended the conversation by saying, “Let me know how you make out as I’m curious as to how they will handle it.”

Why does one flight crew enforce the rules and one doesn’t? Before takeoff, the crew counts the number of filled EML seats to ensure there’s no squatters. The sure counted the guy next to me today but didn’t do anything about it.

As passengers, we’re supposed to obey the rules.

As employees, they’re supposed to enforce the rules.

JetBlue, I want my $25 back for the EML seat today. I followed the rules, you broke them, now make good.

I was on a JetBlue Airbus A320 last night from Ft. Lauderdale to Newburgh, NY. While making our way to the runway, the air conditioning kicked in and put on a little bit of a show – all that was missing was a little colored lighting and some mood music.

I remember seeing this for the first time a few years ago, and I have to admit, it does freak you out. Well, check out the video….