The time of the year when every young couple wants to have the perfect wedding.
After all, nothing beats sweating your ass off under a plastic tent at a country club drinking warm beer and listening to people say, “doesn’t she look wonderful” all night long.
I haven’t been to a wedding in a couple of years but I’ve been part of conversations that evolved into the love-hate relationship people have with this custom.
For example, recently I heard about a lavish wedding held at an art gallery where everything was simply “over the top” and I’m sure the bill was too. A worthy investment in this time of economic strife? Honey, if you’ve got it, flaunt it. They’ll be divorced in 18 months anyway, so let mom and dad write the check, drink plenty of champagne and dribble caviar on their matching ascots.
I love the weddings where the bride and groom are from Podunk, WI but they want to get married in Croatia. They then expect the 300 people they sent invitations to, to immediately call their travel agent and plop down a couple grand to fly around the world at their own expense just to share in their connubial bliss. I haven’t been to Podunk, WI or Croatia, and wouldn’t travel outside a 50 mile radius to wear a suit, eat cardboard chicken and dance to “Celebration” while asking, “when is this over?”
The one type of wedding that I find amusing is one where the lucky couple attempts to make a statement to their invited guests:
• The “Green Wedding” – We’re being politically correct by using recycled napkins, recycled paper plates, biodegradable silverware, organic greens, free range chicken, tap water…. Maybe even the corn is recycled (gross). What it really means is the bride doesn’t shave under her arms, the groom has a slight tinge of body odor, the wedding will be over by 7 so they don’t have to use electricity to power lights and the meal is going to suck.
• The “Meatless Wedding” – We donate to PETA so we’re offering everyone a choice of either a roasted portabella mushroom or baked plantains for dinner that we grew in our own community garden here in our compound. What it really means is they’re too damn cheap so they’re feeding the guests free vegetables seasoned with whatever kind of compost they threw on the community garden. Typically etiquette calls for giving a gift of two-times the estimated cost of the meal per guest, in this case, five-bucks per couple should suffice.
• The “Elvis Wedding” – We love Elvis. We have all his records. We have a giant velvet painting over our couch. Not a single song has ever sung better than “Suspicious Minds” so we’re using it as our wedding theme song when we get married by the Elvis impersonator in Las Vegas who makes more money a year than Jack Welch. What it really means is “this ain’t gonna last.” Save your money, tell the couple you’re going to be at another wedding in Croatia the same weekend and drop the Elvis Greatest Gospel Hits CD in the mail for them as their wedding gift.
I’m not against marriage. If my parents weren’t married I’d be illegitimate. But I’m one who follows the “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” philosophy. And with the cost of milk lately, getting it for free is a pretty good deal.