(The following may contain terse language, politically incorrect statements and other things that may offend the easily offended (aka Democrats). Opinions expressed are mine and probably don’t represent yours if you work in human resources, the health insurance industry, or think Obamacare is the second coming of Bruce Willis.)
Ah, fall! The time of year where everyone’s thoughts turn to all things pumpkin spice. Except mine. My thoughts turn to the pre-cursor of health insurance open enrollment – the employer non-mandated, but mandated, voluntary, but not voluntary blood test.
My employer, like most employers these days jumped on the “wellness program” bandwagon as prescribed under Obamacare. Now in its third year, employees who opt into the company sponsored plan must submit to having their blood drawn for analysis. Now this is where the “non-mandated but mandated, voluntary but not voluntary” comes into play.
You don’t have to take the blood test and have the company know how healthy or unhealthy you are. But if you refuse, like I did the first year this was instituted, you get socked with a penalty. This penalty is cleverly disguised as a “wellness discount.”
The penalty is the equivalent of having a splintered two-by-four shoved up your ass, twisted around, ripped out then replaced by a rusty pipe and held in position for seven minutes before being removed leaving rusty particles behind that have to be removed with tweezers and a plumber’s wrench.
In other words, your insurance cost goes up $900 a year.
But it’s not a penalty! Take the blood test and get a “discount.”
Oh, if you smoke…. don’t bother taking the blood test, you’re not getting a discount at all and your rate already includes the $900.
So last year, I took the blood test, went online and provided my employer with height, weight, and waist measurements, as if I was getting a custom made suit for my efforts. After all, I didn’t want to make the already over-compensated executives at UnitedHealthcare any richer by giving them an additional $900 in premium.
The other day the lab order arrived in my email ahead of open enrollment, so I headed to the local LabCorp to have the blood draw done so my employer can learn a little more about me in return for that nine-hundred buck “reward, not a penalty” I’m due.
When my blood work comes back, I’ll get a call from the “Wellness Coach” to review it. If my cholesterol is too high and my lipids aren’t aligned with the health insurance lobbyists who are making a ton of money off this bullshit, I’ll have to take part in some nonsense telemedicine crap to learn about healthy eating and how to avoid Zika.
I’ll probably watch porn while the “coach” is going over all that so at least those precious moments of life that I’ll never get back will be enjoyable.
None of this existed before the health insurance disaster called Obamacare existed. In fact, my health insurance provider, UnitedHealthcare, recently announced they’re pulling out of the marketplace. Gee, I wonder why.
My health insurance has never covered less and cost more than it does since Obamacare became part of the American lexicon.
But those in favor of this system will tell you, “everyone now has coverage.”
That’s true. But at who’s expense?
I bet the Obamacare recipients don’t have to go through this “wellness” shit!
My bitching is over. It’s time to go eat a freaking box-full of Krispy Kreme Pumpkin Spice Donuts, followed by three pounds of bacon cooked in lard, three 10-piece McNuggets, four Big Macs and a Big , Big Gulp to wash it all down.
Take that “wellness coach!”
P.S. This was originally posted as a status update on my Facebook page. Be sure to check out the comments and share yours!